elbizri.com

If you send email to an alias of my domains that I’m no longer interested in getting mail at, you get the following autoresponce.

Due to excessive spam. This email address has been shut off.

If you are attempting to contact us for legitimate reason, please go to the website, and contact us from the address available there. Or, alternately call us, at four one five, three three three, nine three, nine one.

If you are attempting to hawk sketchy weight loss drugs, penis extension devices, get-rich-quick schemes, or incredibly low, no-money-down home mortgages, we regret to inform you that we are incredibly rich, well endowed, physically attractive and are already being >paid< by the last guy to borrow money from him. Additionally, we sleep incredibly well, have absolutely no pain or other need for prescription medication, and, in any case are sponsored by several major drug manufacturers and universities, so we get all our drugs for free.

Furthermore, since we helped Bram Cohen invent the bit torrent, and solved several major bugs that stumped Bill Gates in Windows XP and Vista, (not to mention Photoshop, Dreamweaver and MS Office), we have no need for any low cost software of dubious origins.

It goes without saying that due our bent for over-achievement, combined with our incredible personal magnetism, we have any and every attractive individual on the planet of either gender and most species at our beck and call, and consequently no need for any obscene photography or videos you may have made with your daughter, niece and/or household pets. Additionally, while we understand the difficulties you must face differentiating your product in a market open for competition from anyone with genitalia and a camera, and we must certainly applaud your ever-increasing displays of originality, we would like to point out that what you are trying to foist on us these days is no longer sexual – even by loosest use of the term. It is just sad, mean and gross. A bit of a turn off.

For my dear foreign correspondents, we wish you well. We must regretfully inform you, however, that we are not without our failings, and in our business of running the world, one of those failings has been to neglect to learn Russian, Chinese, or other foreign languages. Naturally, this is to our regret, but the facts of the matter remain: we can’t read what you send us. It is clear that, whatever it is, it is quite urgent – that much we can tell that from the multiple colours and all the exclamation points. Sadly, we cannot respond. However, please don’t stop your correspondence – it is reassuring to be reminded that English speakers have no monopoly on blind greed, ambition and a neglect for the consequences of their actions.

If you are contacting me from overseas and have taken the admirable step of bridging our linguistic divide, we applaud you. Particularly you: Dr Charles James Lawrence M’godegobo. We are certain that a man who has surmounted the unbelievable difficulties and misfortune that you describe in your letter should have no problem pulling off the heist of your countrymen’s finances you propose – without our assistance. The sadness we feel when you or your compatriots contact us (brought about by the fact that, in actuality, you live god-awful shithole and that our consumptive, luxurious first-world existence is responsible) is ameliorated by the news that there is such a plethora of money idling around in the bank accounts of your country’s financial institutions waiting to be ripped off. Truly, Africa is the real land of opportunity.

Finally: whoever continues to send us mysteriously blank and empty emails: your missives entertain us greatly. Please send more: while we am not finished perusing the ones you have already sent, we plan to make time away from my duties in order to go through them all very carefully.

Thank you, have a good day, and please continue to think about the impact of your actions you do anything.

It’s probably fair to say it doesn’t have the most exciting taste in the world.

But if you like cucumber and melon – and have £5 to spare – the latest healthy superfruit could be for you

Pictures from this weekends block party.